“Nothing greys the hair quicker than compassion.” –Dr T, to me via text message. The problem with free and easy relationships is they rarely stay that way. What starts as casual ends up serious. It turns from “That was fun, want to get something to eat?” to “Where the fuck you been?”

Since hernia surgery, I’ve been having a wonderful problem. My clothes aren’t fitting anymore! I’ve been steadily losing weight since 1996, when I peaked at 528 pounds. I hit a plateau or two along the way, but have been making slow but sure progress. Especially lately. After surgery, I began wearing a bac

There was a time when I really hated the unpredictability of life. I wanted to know what was gonna happen before it happened, and if things didn’t happen the way I thought they should, I would stress. Early on I discovered that few people would see the world the way I do, and would probably [...]

Another night on the dirty boulevard. Since moving back to the Nightclub Store I’ve been feeling revitalized. My schedule tends to stay constant; when I get relocated it’s usually for reasons deeper than schedule conflict. While I may appear to be a lazy (alebit clean) hippie, I have territorial issues that exte

Rain and I have been seeing each other for going on three years now. About a year ago, we had a dust-up and I took a little break. Since then we have reconnected, consider ourselves a couple, for what it’s worth, and she has pledged fidelity to me. While I wouldn’t call Rain a liar, [...]

It’s been a couple weeks since I’ve moved back from the Waterfront Store to the Nightclub Store. There were a lot of internal things going on at work, which I watched unfold. Now that I can discuss them within reason, I may drop a few vague thoughts. I should be venting more often. I’ll try [...]

For the past couple years I’ve been working at the Waterfront store with Dr T. All good things must come to an end, and as is typical at Master P’s, it can’t end without a little drama. At first I was worried, and asked Master P if I was in trouble? He mentioned something that [...]

Google Reader is going away. This is wrong! ANYTHING promoting reading should be kept alive. Want to borrow my iron lung? Okay, that’s not such a big deal. I asked Art East, my go-to guy for sensible internet advice, and he pointed me to Feedly. It makes me wonder if Google owns this, and just [...]

Spring fever has taken a new persona this year. After noticing patterns forming the past few years, I hoped to learn from history instead of repeating it. For example, I frequently get the urge to drink in the springtime. I don’t know if it’s because the cherry blossoms smell like Olde English, or because I [...

I cut its fucking head off. By the way, the following may contain violent images, filthy language and general old-man outrage. It all started with an old stubborn rusty screw. Our bathtub plugged up about the time I went in for surgery. I tried as much as possible to fix it; bought an auger, a [...]

We’re almost there. Since the beginning of December, I have been dealing with intestinal issues. Specifically an inguinal hernia, its side-effects and the operation to cure said hernia. The path to normal function is opening up, and I can see the highway from here. In hindsight, I *could* have gone back to work three

I worked right up to the date of surgery. Early in the evening I received a call from the anesthesiologist, who reminded me not to eat or drink anything past midnight. Great. Dinner was some chicken meat I *was* going to make a burrito out of when I got home. Oh well, get used to [...]

A while back, in an unnamed place during a spontaneous moment, Rain slid her hand into my pants. As she got familiar, she looked up at me, “Ain’t you got no drawers on?” “Of course I have pants on,” I replied. “You aren’t wearing underwear?” “Uh, no. When have you ever s

After buying my new single bed, I whipped out the cell phone and called Meg. “Hey, I’m gonna be a while getting there. Imma gonna buy a TV.” “Really?” “Yep. Call you in a while.” I took a hit on my smokeless, crossed the street, mentally flipped off the Isuzu Liar, and hopped the bu

A few days before, I went to the hospital for surgical prep-work. Blood tests, medicine inquiries, are you allergic to anything? (I’m guessing there won’t be cats running around the operating room, but my allergies to them have subsided, so, I guess the answer is no. Doctors love me.) “When it’s time

When you reach a certain age, things hurt and you forge on. The initial reaction? “Ooh, that wasn’t good.” I waited a second, made a note to myself to move with more deliberation, and dumped the thirty-pound bucket of ice into the soda fountain. I told Dr T what had happened, and returned to forging [...]

“Howdy folks. You have reached Captain Crunch at the Cereal Killer Hotline. I can’t come to the phone right now, as I’ve tripped on a corn flake, landed on my Lucky Charms, and have a Total case of Grape Nuts. But… if you leave a name and number, I’ll get back to you Post Toastie, [...]

Yes indeedy, Mother MacReady, the boys are back in town! There was a bittersweetness in the air when I went to the final Cort and Fatboy show, recorded early in December. We love them, we squeeze them and call them George, we request Disturbed’s Down with the Sickness from the balcony much the way old [...]

My “thought I’d seen it all” moment came early today. Naked man walking down the sidewalk at 3 PM. A gentle reminder: Lottery should be played for entertainment only and not investment purposes.

Aah, Busted! Magazine. You scandalous rag. Love you or hate you, everyone has an opinion. I have watched as women cried their eyes out, realizing the cover of Cosmo is a long way from Hottie of the Week. I have found names of ne’er-do-wells and made ‘unwanted posters’ announcing their trespassing status. C

“I will never say ‘There’s never a policeman around when you need them’ again!” Thus spoke Grinder, and I agreed wholeheartedly. The cops are around all the time downtown, sometimes when you least expect it. I’ve had better luck sticking my head out of the store and yelling than playing p

I don’t dress for success. When two douchebag-jock Cali-types entered the store and began discussing rock stars, I paid little attention at first. When I realized they were talking about me, they noticed the chill in the air. Customer service went out the window, and Mr Smartass took over. “Metallica? Is that wh

What the fuck is a pinkfoot? More on that in a minute. “Huh?” Said loud and stoopid. More on that in a minute. Yeah, daddy feels a rant coming on. More? You want more? I have more. Customer service can be hard on the nerves. Working at the Waterfront store has been a needed break [...]

As I scrolled through the internet over coffee this morning, look what popped up! If you’ve ever been to Walmart, you know how true this website is. I wish more Wallyworld customers looked like her. See if you can figure out why I like this video so much. Hat tip to People of WalMart.

Welcome to Blogpost #666! Growing up a Jehovah’s Witness, I was imbued with a fear of the devil, aka “SATAN!” (Say it like the Church Lady.) I put as much faith in the Dark Lord as Jehovah, picking and choosing the best of both belief systems as my own common sense would dictate. The devil’s [...]

Since its inception, I have attended every HUMP Festival, the locally produced exhibit of five-minute porno films. Every year I have taken a date, and every year but one it’s been a hassle. Why should this year be any different? The first year, I went with a co-worker who said she wanted to go, canceled, [...]

All good things must come to an end. Seems I’ve been saying that a lot lately. Rain lost her lease, and has to move. As she packed the last of her things yesterday, she texted, “Want to come by for one last lunch?” “Of course!” I sounded more chipper than I was. I had been [...]

Serious moments at Master P’s are few and far between. We are by nature a cynical, sarcastic bunch. (I tell people I have scabs on my soul.) But every now and again, we have to step back from all the frontin’ and deal with life’s true beauty and ugliness. Lately we have been doing a [...]

It is the one sunny day for the next week, and all I want to do is lay in bed and sleep. I had grand ambitions, to get up early and do god knows what, just to be doing it. Rain and I have been spending lots of time together. She has surprised me on [...]

More like “NORML.” I finally found a lounge I could hang out in. One that even appreciates oxymoronic sentences like the previous one. Nobody gets drunk, you can sit at the bar and smoke joints, and fights are usually over manners, (“You first.” “No, you. I insist.” Etc…) Voices are