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Dean Kirkland

Dingleberry Gazette

http://beastard.wordpress.com/

Located in Portland

Last update: June 2nd, 2018 at 12:11 pm

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8 post clicks in the past 90 days

Just another WordPress.com weblog

I deal with all kinds of animals at work, mostly the stinky two-legged human variety. Pitbull “service animals,” the occasional rodent, or, the most frightening, cockroaches and bedbugs. (These critters will get us moving; the last time a guy came in with a bagful of cockroaches, we badgered him out of the store

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Cinco de Mayo; it’s the beginning of our Xmas season. Downtown is a constant beehive, although the past few years the sidewalk seems to roll up earlier than ever. I could take my break on 5th Avenue, sitting in plain view puffing on my one-hitter, eyeballing the occasional bus or MAX, and only see one […]

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“Hello, my name is Charlie and I’m and alcoholic.” And a drug-addict and all-around man-about-town. I’ve been quiet lately, not feeling like sharing, or much of anything, really. Was dealing with depression issues for a bit, but like in my teens, eventually it evaporated. Depressed about what? Nothin

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“Get out! No! Get out.” I say that so many times a night. Thieves, scumbags, crazies. If I see them coming through the door in time, I issue a preemptive strike. I start with a normal tone, albeit a bit loud. If I have to repeat myself, I switch to Dad-Voice and project an authoritative […]

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I look forward to Wednesdays. Mizelle and Lily come down from the mountain, and I chauffeur them all over the metro area. One of the perks is the music. The Ford Explorer has a CD player as well as AM/FM, and it gets put to use. Knowing better than to mess with another’s presets, I […]

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Arrgh. 7 AM. Usually when I’m drifting from hard sleep to REM. When the TV gets muted because the ads will keep me awake. (Enough with the miracle spring water, already.) But on Wednesdays I bounce out of bed, as bouncy as this old bag of bones gets, and make a frozen waffle breakfast. Kelly […]

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Oh, the humanity. I deal with a lot of downtrodden types at work. I’m given a lot of latitude when it comes to who I serve. Our goal is to serve everyone (legally) and send them away happy enough that they will return to spend more money. Returning empty bottles is a bane to every […]

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Hey strangers… It’s Stranger Yet! Yeah, it’s been a while. I’ve been a negligent blogger, watching life’s moments pass by without stopping to note each one. Been spending a lot of time pondering the universe, and sometimes the thoughts that wander through the brain need time to age, ripen, ferm

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After 34 years, Master P’s main store is closing. After a long, hard-fought battle with the landlord, (the City) he let out a big sigh and closed the doors last week. Downtown’s infamous late-night c-store is no more. I peered through the window of the Mothership. Art East was winding up cords from the security

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So long, little buddy. You will be missed. We have had a plethora of wacky pets over the years. Mostly it seems like a science experiment; can dogs, cats, mice, fish, guinea pigs and other critters live under one roof? We have tried, and yes, it can happen, often with amusing results. Mr Burns came […]

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If you’ve seen Last Tango In Paris, you know that butter plays an important role in one scene. This is not that kind of butter. This butter, once a pastel yellow, ends up looking like a day-glo green cheesecake. It’s why I’ve been gaining weight, and why I’m happy as a clam most days. This […]

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There they were, Django’s footprints leading from the front door toward the neighbor’s house. He loves hiding under their boat, or perch majestically atop their recycling bin. He’s a smart cat, he’s lived outside most of his 10-12 years. For some reason I found his footprints unsettling. He’s b

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After last week’s shit-show, I was optimistic that work could only get better. That could also be wishful thinking. I went in with the best of intentions, not gonna let the bastards win, etc… They gave it their best shot, but in the end I declared myself the winner. The path to weekend wasn’t without [R

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“Took A Dump Dump Dump…… Annnnd another one’s gone, and another one’s gone. Another one takes a dump…” They say pictures or it didn’t happen. We could have gotten surveillance video of this, but some things can’t be unseen, and since Uncle Cliffy rarely gets to be the st

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I come from a long line of stubborn people. If they found out something was incorrect, if they had once believed it, you would *still* have to prove to them three different ways. In the case of religion particularly, but I blame their passing down the ‘common sense’ gene for my agnostic ways. (I’m not [

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My Dad used to say, “You’d forget your head if it wasn’t fastened on.” He didn’t mean me specifically. He mostly said that about himself, but I always enjoyed the visual; grabbing someone by the scalp, holding their severed head up a la Kathy Griffin and saying, “Um, dude…?” C

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I love to drive. I started at age twelve by taking laps of the back yard in a 1970 Toyota Corona. I learned to drive a stick (three-on-the-tree) in a 1964 Ford F-100 half-ton pickup. When I turned fifteen and got my permit, I took my driver-licensed, stroke-paralyzed Dad along to keep it quasi-legal, and […]

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Mizelle was lighting up my phone. “Hi there!” “Well, hello sir!” she replied. After exchanging pleasantries, she got down to business. “Want to do me a favor?” “Sure. Whatcha want?’ Her favors aren’t usually too annoying. “I’m buying a truck out in Scappoose,

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Oh morning, why hast thou forsaken me? I haven’t been around much. Well, haven’t been here. Work has kept me busy, and I have been trying to keep it together. Cat-sitting, yard work, I been truckin’. The weather has been hot and sticky, and the air is worse than Beijing’s. I’ve been having trou

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I am a Portlander through and through. Though I was raised in Sandy, Oregon I was born in Portland, and the minute I was allowed to ride the bus by myself I was all over the city, investigating, pretending to be a cop or a criminal or wherever my imagination (and TriMet) would take me. […]

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Every two years, near Mizelle’s birthday, I get called for jury duty. It’s that time again. I tried to get out of it in previous years, but they are tenacious. (“Okay, then when can you serve…?”) Jury duty fell on my days off, so might as well get it over with. At the same time, […]

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People often ask how I can tolerate dealing with the public. Sometimes I wonder myself. Portland’s Rose Festival is coming to an end. It’s the store’s busiest time of the year. We get tons of business from the parades, festivals and conventions. We go out of our way to be accommodating, but we never seem [

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I’m a pretty straight-up guy. I will tell you honestly what’s going on, sometimes painfully so. I understand discretion, and omitting details to spare feelings etc… But I’m not a big fan of deception, and really hate being lied to. So when I have to play games with a supervisor, it gets on my nerves.

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After a fifty-hour work week, lots of work drama, and a phone that won’t stop ringing, I needed a respite. After the Hotel Alder fire, most residents were relocated to hotels nearby. Some were in swanky places, but most were relegated to cots in basements. When it was obvious it was going to take months […]

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Okay, here’s your mystery question: What’s that in the ashtray? It’s not a pile of crack, or any drug. (It may have been used in an attempt to procure drugs, though.) It used to be light green. It used to look like money, because it was. Counterfeit money. I handle a lot of cash, in […]

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I’ve gone on about storing my stuff at work. I have a dressy shirt I wear while on shift, its pockets hold my phone and spare store key. (It’s nice to be able to lock up at a second’s notice, without it being locked in the office, or having to go to my jacket pocket […]

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My mother was a religious nut, to cut to the chase. She’d find the devil in the damnedest places. Most frequently in my record albums. There were a few records that scared me. Black Sabbath, Alice Cooper and Slayer all gave me varying stages of the willies, whether because of religious paranoia or because I […]

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May Day and I go back. Over the past two decades, I’ve encountered big romance, lost said romance, gotten jobs, but the one consistent has been the protests. Every year there are May Day protests, and I end up in the middle of them. Unintentionally, for the most part. It was a Monday, and the […]

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I’ve been keeping a low profile, trying to work as much as possible without burning out, and trying to stay upbeat in dark times. Talk about easier said than done. Eva Braun has been treating me well, schedulewise. I did a full week’s residency at the Nightclub Store, much to the chagrin of the thievin’ [&

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You know middle age is approaching when multiple people get excited about a toilet. I introduce the Cadillac of toilets. We haven’t named it yet, but I’m thinking Pacific Princess. (It’s as big as the Love Boat!) The Nightclub Store has been getting some cosmetic surgery. MISTER Edamame is afraid he’

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