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Dean Kirkland

Dingleberry Gazette

http://beastard.wordpress.com/

Located in Portland

Last update: June 27th, 2014 at 11:04 am

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Just another WordPress.com weblog

It had been a month since my altercation with Kevin, the dude who looks like the butt-baby of Samuel L Jackson and Fred Sanford. As the days passed, he became bolder. He would walk past, eyeing me and grinning. He would peek around the corner, and I would pretend not to see him, then watch […]

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I get punched by random black guys all the time. I wish I were kidding, but it’s true. I was in a fight in 1989. It was pretty cool, I was tripping on acid and defended my home and women from a drunken intruder. I threw his ass down the stairs and left him half-paralyzed […]

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It was Saturday morning, and I was restless. Rain was out doing her daily routine, and I had the day off. I’ve been working an average of six days a week, and a full day off with no expectation of being called in left me feeling a little lost. I ate a magic lemon bar […]

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I’ve always been a creature of habit. When I find something that works, I stick with it. This can lead to ruts. I dislike ruts. This year has been a season of change. A LOT has changed. But, as they say, the more things change, the more they stay the same. This is the story […]

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Man, I hate working days. For thirty-plus years, I have worked nights. I love the swing shift. People off work and partying, they come to me for beer, cigarettes, and the things that make you not smell like beer and cigarettes. They stumble in, laugh, move on. It’s not like that in the daytime. Suits […]

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‘Well my mind keeps goin’ through them changes…” I quit updating my social status every time I caught the eye of a new girl, or caught up with an old one, or dumped one forever, because nothing is forever (yet) and I am a pussy when it comes to being firm in my convictions. Besides, […]

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People ask me, “Aren’t you scared?” when crazy incidents happen at work. For the most part, no. I have seen (and done) a lot in my thirty-plus years as a cashier. I had another ‘first’ last week, in fact. (More on that later.) What happened, that wasn’t a first, but hasn’t happened

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“I’m kinda low on green. Would you bring me some flowers?” Angel is always so polite. “How much you want? I can hit the dispensary before work.” “Damn, I only got a twenty. Can you go small?” “Heh.” I made it sound dirty. She smiled. “I got an idea. Keep your $20 a

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“Hey buddy, my phone is turned off. Just got your email. I’m broke as a joke today. If you still need some hair love write me back please? I need ten bucks to turn my phone back on.” A typical note from Rain? Nope. It was Clairissa. It just so happened that I had the […]

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“We need to talk.” “Okay.” I could tell by Rain’s voice she knew what was coming. I hadn’t heard from her in three weeks, and she’d called to see if I was working. She wanted to stop by and say hi. From my tone, I doubted she would show. When she walked in, all smiles, […]

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There has been a lot of introspection of late. I’ve spent the past few days, actually weeks now, riding the bus and trying to figure out what I want to do. I’ve put a lot on Angel’s shoulders. She’s a sweet woman with problems of her own, but she has taken time to ease me […]

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I awoke at 7:28 AM, grabbed my phone and texted, “Having a hard time sleeping, cute girl has me all distracted. Can’t wait to see you.” I took a couple bong hits and laid back down. It was Valentines Day 2014, and if it went as hoped, it would be a day remembered as one […]

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It started out as a simple plan. Hop the bus twenty blocks to the store, to get chocolate milk while it’s on sale. Monday morning, no problem, right? Sold out of milk. Really? But, no biggie, I get a raincheck good for sixty days, so I can buy milk without waiting for the magic day. […]

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“Hows ya day goin?” Angel’s texts are full-on ebonics. I cherished the first text-messaged “Where you at?” from her. It’s still on that phone I quit using in 2009. I was surprised to hear from her. She said we should talk, but we haven’t. Because she’s nice, she is checking up

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I’ve been listening to Massive Attack’s Mezzanine album, an album great for late-night bus rides. It opens with a song called Angel. Since I have an Angel in my life, I thought I’d see how the video compared to what I’d imagined. Okay, nothing like I’d imagined. I figured there would be a hot g

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“I keep believing that you mean what you say. Be my tomorrow, now tomorrow’s today…”

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I know, I know. I bitch about cats all the time. Apparently I can’t live with them or without them. We still have six cats. Fortunately the family has agreed that as they die off we won’t rush to replace them. Kevin, the oldest, is at least twelve years old and has been at this […]

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A hundred grand. It took a while, almost seven years. I’ve been watching the number inch upward for about a month; a flurry of interest in topless barbers and a certain mattress spokesmodel (mentioned years ago) put me over the top. It may have happened sooner, but blogs are so passe these days. One might […]

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How do you make pickle bread? You start with a dill dough… I love naughty presents. Even more, I love a girl who loves naughty presents. Since it is the gift-giving season, I’ve been keeping my eye out for ways to, ahem, take care of my girls. Some months back, Trojan was giving away vibrators […]

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“She left the cap off the pen?” “Yes, and I didn’t snap or anything. I just asked her to keep the cap on it when she wasn’t using it. She denied uncapping it, SWEARS she didn’t uncap it. Which pissed me off, because it’s just me and her there at 5 AM, and the pen […]

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I took the train downtown to the Psycho Safeway. I’d asked Clairissa if she wanted a beer? “Nah, bring me a candy bar. You choose.” I found a Cadbury Milk Chocolate bar, stashing it in a black plastic beer bag. I waited for the Union Avenue bus, listening to Steely Dan and reminiscing about all […]

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It’s business as usual. Kinda. Rain showed up after four days, looking haggard. I’d called her, but no answer. Her throwaway phone may have run out of minutes, or she’s holed up somewhere, either in a dope haze or withdrawing from one. I tried not to care, but I worry. She smiled at me. “Babe, [̷

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I still got it goin’ on. I’ve been going through relationship heck the past couple weeks. Debating whether the woman I love is worth it. Deciding if I want to keep trying to fix what may be forever broken, or if it just needs a ton of emotional super-glue. In the meantime, I have been […]

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As is typical, the most important things happen when you’re knee-deep in busy, and prying eyes are watching, but Rain and I had a very public moment, in which things got right. It took two weeks, but we finally had The Talk. After the initial blow-up and subsequent eviction of my sorta-live-in girlfriend, I’d wo

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I never realized how compact downtown seemed until I tried avoiding someone who is always there. After being in constant contact for three years, to go dark must have been a surprise. With few exceptions, we rarely went more than a day without seeing each other, talking or texting. Not that I’m *really* avoiding Rain,

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Drugs are bad, mmmkay? I joke a lot about getting high, and it’s no secret that I have a medical marijuana card, but I haven’t used hard drugs in years. I haven’t done white powders (meth or cocaine) since 1996. The last time I took psychedelics (LSD or mushrooms) was at a Kid Rock concert […]

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This has been quite a summer. Despite a couple medical setbacks, (which turned out to work in my favor) I have been having the time of my life. I’d document more, but there just hasn’t been time. Rain is still living with me. The “breakup” lasted about a day and a half, in which time […]

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My average workday lasts nine hours, most of it on my feet. I keep moving, wandering around stocking, checking the sidewalk to make sure it hasn’t gone anywhere, but it gets TIRING, standing all day. So we cheat. Master P and his overlords are of the belief that if there’s not a customer in the […]

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…Pictured here with blues legend Curtis Salgado. If you’d like to encourage youngsters to follow their musical dream and support a worthy cause, send a few bucks to American Music Program. Wouldn’t be a birthday without a little song now. Hugs and happies to Sun (aka Zoe) Richter. This is from a year or tw

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So, I went to a Pink Floyd tribute show with my ex-wife. No cause for concern or alarm there, right? It sounded like fun when she invited me. I had no IDEA how intensely emotional the night would turn out… Annie and I have had a tumultuous relationship from that first day in the c-store […]

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