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Dean Kirkland

Dingleberry Gazette

http://beastard.wordpress.com/

Located in Portland

Last update: December 1st, 2019 at 03:45 pm

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Just another WordPress.com weblog

After fifteen years on the Avenue, I have met a lot of people from all walks of life. Some affluent, others flush with personality, some are rich in earthy aromas. Everyone brings something to the store, even if it’s just irritation and anguish. It can’t be easy being a fifty-year-old woman living on the streets

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Remember this cartoon? I’ll wait five minutes while you watch. Patience is a virtue when hunting. I got a text from Foxy the other night, at midnight. Why was he sending me pictures of soda? Then I saw the brown lump. “Is that a rat?” I texted back? “No. It’s a rabbit.” “That’

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This is my tip jar at work. I make a couple bucks a day off pennies and occasional generosity. I share a lot out of the proceeds, but nothing chafes my shorts more than some scumbag walking in, scooping up *my* pennies and either: A.) Purchase a scratch-off and losing, or B.) Taking the change […]

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I have met and known a lot of interesting people over the years at work. One of my favorites was Crazy Cat Woman Carol, a fixture of the night who, despite being filthy-mouthed, unwashed and potentially violent, gave me untold hours of entertainment and companionship. Carol disappeared a few years ago, likely the happy hunt

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I wrote this as a guest post on a fellow-blogger’s site. It was an honor to guest-pilot From The Driver’s Side. Thank you, Deke! Keep on rollin’… Back when I was a teenager, pondering my future options, I’d contemplated becoming a bus driver. I loved to drive, and was good with people. One litt

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I’ve been putting this off for too long. My Brother in law says I need closure. The other day I was reading about procrastination, and it gave me the kick in the ass I need to to get this done. I have always fancied myself a writer, but about the only things not self-published were […]

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I joke with baristas all the time, “I wish I had an app that would give me back all the minutes that I spend waiting in line at Starbucks to hand someone exact change.” For twenty years, Sister delivered the Oregonian, and I was the beneficiary of her complimentary daily copy. She’d read it, I’d [

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It’s Friday night, and I have an hour for lunch. It’s the night before the Rose Parade, and I’m surprised no one is tenting up in front of the store. Usually there’s a line of tents along both sides of the Avenue, but construction on one side of the street has made our sidewalk a […]

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I’ve been away a while, mentally. A lot of heavy stuff has gone down, and I had some thinking to do. (Still do.) I’ve been in a blue space, and needed some help shaking it off. Dizzy texted me, she was going out of town and would I peek in on Naomi, the true queen […]

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Over the years I’ve worked at Master P’s, I’ve bragged that I’ve been punched/punched-at by no less than four different people, and have yet to swing back. I am proud of my restraint. (Also, I know enough about fighting that a misplaced move can leave you open to even more damage, so I am strategic [

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“Oh shit, here we go again.” I was ringing up an old working-dude his daily reward, three tall cans of ice tea. (Alcohol content 7%.) A young man in a winter coat with the hood pulled up eased past us, headed for the beer cooler, grabbing two large packages, a 12-pack of Pabst Smear and […]

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Christmas has come and gone, and not a moment too soon. The jingling of bells is jangling my nerves. Oh, it wasn’t all bad. I found some good roadkill, saw old friends. And then there was the Christmas Party. Eva Braun, manager of The Nightclub Store since The Mothership closed down, decided years ago that […]

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Have you ever been down enjoying the Xmas tree, wandering with the Ale-festers at Pioneer Square, and nature calls? I tell people I got my job just so I have somewhere downtown to go to the bathroom. Anyone spending time downtown knows a clean, comfortable, accessible bathroom is a treasure to be safeguarded with near-death

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It is a day for funerals, (RIP #41, GHWB) so I will continue my series of eulogies. Things dying off that are damned inconvenient. Today’s victim is the US Bank branch, downtown on SW 6th and Taylor Street. It has been there since 1948, and I have been banking there since 1979. I loved its […]

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Hi there! Long time no see! Yeah, it’s been a while. I haven’t given up on my beloved blog/sorta-diary, but I have been staying away. I needed to percolate for a while, to let some dust settle, see how things played out. Not every thought needs to be recorded, not every feeling shared with the […]

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As I approached the Pink Store, I noticed someone in a ventilator mask doing something to the front-door lock. WTF? It’s 10 PM, and union rules say… As I got closer I saw it was Mrs Brady’s husband behind the mask, with Grinder at his shoulder, supervising. Oh goody. It was the final stop on […]

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I love the early quiet hours. At dawn, when shade covers the ground but the sky is alight with the optimism of a new day. I’ve always worked at night. I love the quiet and solitude of early morning, and would hate to spoil it by rushing off to work. I’d rather smoke a joint […]

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I deal with all kinds of animals at work, mostly the stinky two-legged human variety. Pitbull “service animals,” the occasional rodent, or, the most frightening, cockroaches and bedbugs. (These critters will get us moving; the last time a guy came in with a bagful of cockroaches, we badgered him out of the store

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Cinco de Mayo; it’s the beginning of our Xmas season. Downtown is a constant beehive, although the past few years the sidewalk seems to roll up earlier than ever. I could take my break on 5th Avenue, sitting in plain view puffing on my one-hitter, eyeballing the occasional bus or MAX, and only see one […]

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“Hello, my name is Charlie and I’m and alcoholic.” And a drug-addict and all-around man-about-town. I’ve been quiet lately, not feeling like sharing, or much of anything, really. Was dealing with depression issues for a bit, but like in my teens, eventually it evaporated. Depressed about what? Nothin

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“Get out! No! Get out.” I say that so many times a night. Thieves, scumbags, crazies. If I see them coming through the door in time, I issue a preemptive strike. I start with a normal tone, albeit a bit loud. If I have to repeat myself, I switch to Dad-Voice and project an authoritative […]

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I look forward to Wednesdays. Mizelle and Lily come down from the mountain, and I chauffeur them all over the metro area. One of the perks is the music. The Ford Explorer has a CD player as well as AM/FM, and it gets put to use. Knowing better than to mess with another’s presets, I […]

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Arrgh. 7 AM. Usually when I’m drifting from hard sleep to REM. When the TV gets muted because the ads will keep me awake. (Enough with the miracle spring water, already.) But on Wednesdays I bounce out of bed, as bouncy as this old bag of bones gets, and make a frozen waffle breakfast. Kelly […]

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Oh, the humanity. I deal with a lot of downtrodden types at work. I’m given a lot of latitude when it comes to who I serve. Our goal is to serve everyone (legally) and send them away happy enough that they will return to spend more money. Returning empty bottles is a bane to every […]

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Hey strangers… It’s Stranger Yet! Yeah, it’s been a while. I’ve been a negligent blogger, watching life’s moments pass by without stopping to note each one. Been spending a lot of time pondering the universe, and sometimes the thoughts that wander through the brain need time to age, ripen, ferm

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After 34 years, Master P’s main store is closing. After a long, hard-fought battle with the landlord, (the City) he let out a big sigh and closed the doors last week. Downtown’s infamous late-night c-store is no more. I peered through the window of the Mothership. Art East was winding up cords from the security

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So long, little buddy. You will be missed. We have had a plethora of wacky pets over the years. Mostly it seems like a science experiment; can dogs, cats, mice, fish, guinea pigs and other critters live under one roof? We have tried, and yes, it can happen, often with amusing results. Mr Burns came […]

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If you’ve seen Last Tango In Paris, you know that butter plays an important role in one scene. This is not that kind of butter. This butter, once a pastel yellow, ends up looking like a day-glo green cheesecake. It’s why I’ve been gaining weight, and why I’m happy as a clam most days. This […]

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There they were, Django’s footprints leading from the front door toward the neighbor’s house. He loves hiding under their boat, or perch majestically atop their recycling bin. He’s a smart cat, he’s lived outside most of his 10-12 years. For some reason I found his footprints unsettling. He’s b

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After last week’s shit-show, I was optimistic that work could only get better. That could also be wishful thinking. I went in with the best of intentions, not gonna let the bastards win, etc… They gave it their best shot, but in the end I declared myself the winner. The path to weekend wasn’t without [R

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