Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned on the Fasten Seat Belt sign.  When the seat belt sign illuminates, you must fasten your seat belt. Insert the metal fittings one into the other... oh screw it.  If you don't know how to fasten a seat belt by now, you deserve to flop about the cabin.  We su

Snailio Iglesias....For almost four years, I've protected you and your family from me and my family - those who wanted to salt you, get you drunk or otherwise end your tiny little slimy lives.For almost four years, I let you destroy my plants, poop on my entryway and make out on my front door - rando

Dear Future Gynecologists of America:Please give a sister warning before you commence a rectal exam.Thank you for your kind consideration,Poked in Portland****************************************Dear Future Patients of Gynecologists of America:Do

We used to live in a little town just south of Portland, a saucy little place called Milwaukie.  Land of the Milwauks.  It was mildly Twin Peaksy, without all of the kink and wonder.  Lots of political intrigue, with a side of Hatfield v. McCoy... And the offices of a renowned comic book publisher.  And

For the better part of the last 36 years, my meat suit has served as little more than as a vehicle to transport my brain from place to place.  But then I found Krav Maga, and I must say, I am enamored.  I typically spend all day scared of going and by the end of the class, I'm ready to kick Jet Li's ass.

Someone somewhere once said, "A picture is worth a thousand words."  The pictures of you and your family speak ten-fold.  They say love and loyalty, compassion and awe, gratitude and dedication, openness and warmth.  They say "this is a family that's got it right, that has its priorities in check, that will r

Costco used to be called "Price Club" when I was a kid.  Or at least, that's what it was to us, in the pre-merger state.  Back then, to get in, you had to have some special quality to your humanity. Either you worked for the government or you belonged to a certain credit union.  There was none of this "any an

4.  The Ultimate Happy MealEat some prozac, where the "pro" stands for professional and the "zac" is ex-zac-tly how you want it.  What in the HELL am I talking about? It's not a happy pill...No... I am talking about the Ultimate Happy Meal.Grilled Cheese

3.  Lazy K Bar Ranch, Crazy Mountains, MontanaNow, I was all-sorts-of winding up for a long one on this bad boy, but there aren't really words that express the depth of my sixteen years' worth of love for a single place.  If you're in search of even a single, solitary zen-ish moment

2.  Watch Lake Placid.  Then Watch It Again.  Then Laugh Until You Pee Your Britches.Lake Placid is one of the singularly most hilarious movies you've never seen, but much like a good bratwurst, it's better the second time.  ... Finest one-liners in cinemat

1.  GREG LASWELL:  The Guy You Need to Listen to, to Stave Off Homicidal Urges while Stuck behind Subaru Station Wagons in Downtown PortlandIt might be true that I could be his biggest fan...AND it might also be true that my good friend Jason was so

The GoodA new cousin with a beautiful familyArchie's survival, despite eating everything equal to or larger than the size of his headTwo - count 'em - TWO Greg Laswell shows (and related benders)No swine flu this year!

There are a lot of reasons why The Husband Figure and I should not - and will not - breed.  Among those are this fact:  Any child of ours would be Irish/Italian/English/Czech/Dutch/German/Native Brazilian/Portuguese.  It would be as if The Almighty stuck the world in a blender with a shot of jagermeister and

So, I've been a little stymied in blog land - busy editing photographs and working working working... I decide to google "blog prompts" to help me think of something to write about.  Yeah, uh, not so much.1.  Can you live without electricity for a month?  Um, no.  End of blog post.

If I eat any more junk food, I'm going to need kidney dialysis just to clean the chocolate out of my blood.*gack*

When I was 9, I wanted to be 10, because I would enter the realm of double digits.When I was 10, I wanted to be 13, because... who doesn't want to be a teenager, right?When I was 13, I wanted to be 15, because it was 75% of the way to 20 and old enough to be taken seriously.When I was 15,

20 ceiling tiles2 fluorescent lights1 speaker outlet1 fan1 overhead Belmont light6 x-rays20 fingers2 creepy extenda-glasses6 hours4000 dollars2 root canals

The last few days have been chaos and stress and long trips and high stakes and all sorts of nonsense, most of which were marked by ridiculous... and I mean, RIDICULOUS...

Just finished a long drive from Portland to Klamath Falls, which was equal parts beautiful and terrifying.  Cascade pass, dark as night at 3:30 pm, storming like a mofo.  Ipod, which has a knack for coincidence, begins playing Hearing Damage by Thom Yorke an

The "stats" tab on this little program tells me I've had visitors from all over the world... which is frankly surprising, seeing as how my mother and a handful of friends are the only ones who really read this ghastly thing.  I mean, I'm talking:RussiaLatviaJordan

The sense of smell is a funny thing.I linger over that very same thought ALL the time - particularly when in public restrooms.  I remember a scene from Ice Storm, where He-Who-Will-Be-Frodo-Baggins gives a presentation about how when you smell something, you're really encountering and absorbing the actual m

There are some benefits to gaining weight.  For example, if you have a ginormous dome, the more weight you gain, the less your head looks like a peanut on a toothpick.Just saying.

*channeling Julie Andrews*THESE are a few of my favorite things:Dog kissesPuppy hopsClean lines in freshly mowed grassRaspberries (the fruit, not the childhood torture)Fresh sheetsBeto's laughRemembering to breatheGin and tonics at Greg Laswell shows with goo

It's not secret that I - much like our friend, the fish - do not travel well.  In fact, the very first posts to this blog were about the ridiculousness that was Brazil 2007.  I still suffer PTSD flashbacks... mostly of a girl with short hair and dark-rimmed glasses, wearing a JCrew tankini in a sea of&nb

This blog used to be called "Stuff."  That was when I posted random stuff, largely without concern.  Now I'm concerned. So, I don't post as much.  Mostly, I'm concerned about who is reading this, since google apparently connects my name to the blog.  So, I don't post anymore.  Which probably means I

I feel strongly about a lot of things.  One of them is this:  I don't mind panty lines.  In fact, if someone chooses to gaze at my backside, I prefer they do so with the comfort of knowing that I am, in fact, wearing underwear.There, I said it.

I would bet a vital organ that the current contents of Archie's stomach include the following:1.  Chicken treats2.  Bully stickand3. Toilet paper4.  Cardboard5.  Barkdust6. Toy stuffingandan eensey beensy te